Crossfit Crack – A Public Service Announcement

Posted: January 29, 2013 by Uncle D in Uncategorized

Crossfit Crack – A Public Service Announcement

This PSA is brought to you by United National Couch Loving Entities & Disparagers

TV Fades to grey, fit looking guy is shown waking up, voice over starts…

Joe is a crossfitter. He has been crossfitting for 9 months. Joe just did 4 days of crossfit in a row. Joe has a problem.

6:00 AM: Joe gets up for work. Joe hurts bad. His whole body is sore, it is a chore for him to sit down on the toilet.

8:30 AM: Joe is on his second cup of coffee, black of course. Joe is commiserating with Jane who also does crossfit. Joe tells Jane how brutal the week has been, he says he is definitely taking today off from crossfit. Joe groans as he gets up out of the chair to leave Jane’s office.

12:00 PM: Joe walks out to the truck to get his lunch. Going down the stairs still hurts. Joe is definitely taking today off from crossfit.

3:00 PM: Joe starts feeling guilty. Joe thinks he should really work out today. Joe’s body still hurts.

4:45 PM: Joe gets a text from Jimmy who went to the 3:30 crossfit class. Jimmy tells Joe about the ‘brutal’ workout and how awesome it was. Jimmy is a douche and a pusher of crossfit crack. Joe starts wondering if he can still make it to the 5:45 class. Joe has no idea he is starting to feel the unnatural cravings created by this nefarious drug known as crossfit crack.

4:50 PM: Joe leaves work ten minutes early as the crack starts to truly assert itself. Crossift is more important than work to Joe, even if it does still hurt him to walk down the stairs. Joe sends a text to his non-crossfitting girlfriend and says he has to work late. Joe is lying, leaving work early, Joe has a problem.

5:40 PM: Joe is not at home resting on his ‘off’ day. The crossfit crack is so bad that as Joe goes up the walk to the box (junkie terminology for the Crossfit Gym) Joe has a spring in his step and a smile on his face. He can’t wait to abuse his body some more. He is unaware of how completely he is under the drugs influence.

I urge you to look at Joe. Don’t be Joe. Crossfit crack is a real and dangerous problem and will make your friends hate you because it’s all you talk about. Joe no longer has a life, he is lost to the drug that is crossfit and interventions don’t work. It has been reported over and over that friends who try helping Joe recognize he has a problem, get talked into trying crossfit and they become junkies too. If you see Joe or someone like him stay as far away as possible to avoid becoming one of these hideously fit and mentally twisted people. This PSA was brought to you by U.N.C.L.E  D. in a sincere effort to save you from a wasted life like Joe’s.

Thank you, you may return to this week’s episode of Biggest Loser.


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